The Matchmaker
by graywords-girl
Summary: OoT PostGame: Zelda's bored. That's bad. Now poor Link is stuck helping her to pair up his two best friends. This can't end well... MalonxSheik Total Crack COMPLETE
1. Part 1

**The Matchmaker**

**Part 1

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_A/N: Another fic for the 50scenes challenge on LJ. This one is a four-parter, each chapter a different prompt. This one is total crack, all the way, so consider yourself warned. Also look out for the OOC monster. As usual, MalonxSheik. Prompt is "Heed"._

**Disclaimer:** Not mine!

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"YOU WANT ME TO _WHAT_?!"

The Princess regarded him with a mischievous smirk, lightly drumming her fingers against the arm of the chair she was currently seated in as she repeated very calmly, "Help me set them up on a date."

Link gaped at her for a few more seconds, eyes wide, mouth hanging open, before trying to say something. It came out as a very intelligent, "Bu—wha—the—_WHY_?!"

Zelda smiled. "Because I said so."

"B-but—Malon?!"

"She's a very sweet girl, and deserves some romance. She's old enough now to start considering suitors."

"_SHEIK_?!"

A sniff. "He needs a social life. Period."

The Hero couldn't really think of a way to respond to that, so instead he went back to gaping. Navi danced in front of his face for a few seconds, received no response, save a bit of drooling, and then said to Zelda, "Uh oh, Princess. I think you broke his brain."

The smile the Princess wore faded slightly, but brightened up again after a few seconds, reminding herself that she was the Princess. He had to do what she said, no ifs, ands, or buts about it, whether it involved a bit of well-meant matchmaking, or a pink tutu and Princess Ruto. (Which, if he didn't start showing her a little more respect, might actually happen. She could be delightfully vindictive when she tried.) She cheerfully reminded him of this fact. "I can make it a Royal Order, if you need convincing."

The Hero blinked, "Guh?"

_To Be Continued..._

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_A/N: Yes, yes, it's short. The next few will be longer. Part 2 is done and Part 3 is on the way. The fic will be updated in a few days, or when I get 5 reviews. Whichever comes first._

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

_The link to my livejournal is on my profile, as well as one for the prompt table. Ja!

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	2. Part 2

**The Matchmaker**

**Part 2

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_A/N: Wow! I got 4 reviews! That's so cool! Most of the time my LoZ fics go relatively ignored. Or at least reviewless. But I'm so very happy that people enjoying this. Oh yes. _

_A cookie goes out to _Faeore24EarthTwilightGuardian_, for pointing out that I failed to mention that this fic is Non-Canon, due to the fact that Sheik is a boy, not creepy crossdresser Zelda (kidding, kidding. Sort of…). _

_Also be warned that Zelda is VERY OOC in this fic. In fact, she's pretty childish. But, it's humor, you know?Once again, MalonxSheik (although really its not…) for the 50scenes challenge. Prompt for this was "Watch". _

_Enjoy!_

**Disclaimer: **I don't own them, sadly… I just borrow them to play with.

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"Princess—"

"Shh!"

"But—"

"Link! Be quiet! We're being sneaky!"

Link sighed, rolled his eyes, and clamped his mouth shut. Fluttering above him, Navi gave an impatient huff. The fact was, they _weren't_ being sneaky. Not at all. Zelda was convinced that they had to sneak out of the palace to implement their 'plan', and although she was making a valiant effort to be silent and stealthy, it really was pointless. The castle guards had caught sight of them almost ten minutes before, and Link was fairly certain they were laughing at him.

Not that he could blame them, really. After all, if he were in their position, and had watched the Princess drag a tutu-wearing Hero around by the ear, he probably would have found it pretty funny as well.

At least she didn't follow through with her threat to invite Ruto over…

So, being the dutiful Hero that he was, he let her drag him around while the guards laughed, and within minutes, they had 'escaped' the castle grounds and were deeply buried in Hyrule Marketplace. He tried to ignore the strange looks he was getting as the Princess pushed her way through crowd after crowd, until—

"Oh, Link! …Link?"

He groaned. "Hi Malon."

The redhead eyed him slowly, and for a moment there was silence. Malon looked like she was fighting with herself over whether or not to ask, and after a moment, her curiosity won out. "Uh… Fairy Boy?"

Sigh. "Yes, Malon?"

"…Why are you wearing that?"

"Because Zel—huh?" Where'd she go? Looking around, he swallowed the lump in his throat. Uh oh. This was bad. He lost the Princess. The Princess was _gone_. Steadying himself, he took a deep breath, and then quietly began to panic. He was in the "Oh no, I'm so dead" stage when he was forcefully shoved out of the way.

"Hi!" Zelda greeted cheerfully, and Link nearly fainted with relief. Malon 'eep'ed.

"P-Princess!"

Zelda waved her off. "Please don't be so formal. You can call me Zelda." And then reaching behind her, she gave a firm tug and suddenly Sheik was there, nearly toppling on to Malon, an action Link was certain was deliberate. "Look who I found, Link! I had no idea he'd be here!"

Both Link and Sheik gave her a 'what is _wrong_ with you?' look, because they both knew very well that she had _invited_ the Sheikah. Malon just blinked. Turning to Link, she did her best to not look completely lost.

"Ummm…."

"Oh, look over there!" Zelda bounced—_bounced_—and then took off towards a nearby stall, dragging Link behind her and giggling over a dress that she apparently liked. Calling over shoulder, she said to Malon, "Watch him for me, will you please?"

The farm girl opened her mouth to reply, but the Princess was already out of earshot. Blinking, she turned to the boy she'd been left alone with and gave a cheerful smile, deciding it would be better to just not ask.

'Hidden' behind a nearby stall, Link frowned. "Princess, I really don't think this is going to—"

"Do you _want_ me to call Ruto?"

"Uh… great plan, Princess?"

"That's what I thought you said."

Silence as they watched the pair interact. Link had to admit, they didn't look too bad together. He wouldn't go so far as to say that they were "absolutely adorable and perfect for each other!" like Zelda had, but at the very least they seemed to be getting along well enough. Frowning, he wondered if he'd ever introduced them formally… He was pretty certain he'd seen them talking at the Princess's last birthday party, but maybe not…

Oh…

"Hey, I think Sheik is leaving…"

"WHAT?!" Zelda shot up from her space, earning several odd glances, and a few sympathetic ones for Link. Sure enough, Malon was waving pleasantly as the Sheikah took his leave. Stumbling over her skirt, the Princess made a dart to where Malon still stood. "No! No no no!"

Innocent as ever, Malon blinked. "Are you alright, Princess? You look red…"

"Where'd Sheik go?!"

Blink blink. "He said he had duties to perform, and to remind you that…" she frowned, tapped her chin, and then smiled as she remember the exact words, " "I may be your servant, Princess, but that does not mean I can constantly be at your beck and call for childish games."… Or something to that effect, anyway."

As Zelda stood there, slightly dumbfounded, the farm girl turned to Link pleasantly.

"Fairy Boy, all this still doesn't explain the tutu."

With a groan, Link dropped his head into his hands.

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_A/N: I've come to the realization that I _really_ love torturing Link. Okie dokie, review replies:_

**Hoheehum** – You totally made my day with that review. It's so fun to convert people! I hope you enjoyed this!

**TheFinalCountdown** – Yes! It's amazing, isn't it? Link can talk! Teehee…

**Silver the Shiny** – Thanks for the compliment! You know, I get that a lot. Apparently a lot of people like the way I write… go figure, eh?

_As usual, _**PLEASE REVIEW**. _It makes me a happy author. Just like before: update will come in a few days (probably after Christmas sometime) or when I get 5 reviews for this chapter. Whichever comes first. Part 3 is already done, and the last part is on its way!

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	3. Part 3

**The Matchmaker**

Part 3

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_A/N: Merry Christmas! Hope you like your present: Part 3! Seriously, thanks for reviewing you guys. I didn't make my 5 reviews goal, but we got close! Anyway, the prompt for this was "Closer", which… may or may not make sense from your point of view._

_Oh yeah… this is less of a scene and more of an entire fic all its own, I think… But it counts, darn it! I swear it does! Watch out for Zelda; she likes those tutus. _

**Disclaimer: **If I really owned them, then Sheik would have been his own character, okay?

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"This isn't working."

Navi fluttered her wings. "You think?"

Zelda glared, but chose to ignore the faerie's comment, instead frowning at Link, who was currently nursing a rather painful headache and praying to all three goddesses that either Malon or Sheik, preferably both, would be suddenly struck by love's arrow just so he could _rest_.

The Princess had been serious about this whole matchmaker thing. Link had been certain it was just a mild fancy, and that she'd have gotten over it within a few days, but no. She was still firmly set on the idea that Malon and Sheik needed to—ugh, he wasn't even going to think about it. Either way, for the past two weeks he'd been dragged around in increasingly convoluted plots. And he was now convinced that Malon and Sheik were both tied for the position of Most Oblivious Person in Hyrule.

And, to make matters worse, _Navi _had been dragged into it as well. And she was enjoying it, the little traitor!

Sighing to himself, he absently rubbed his temple. Oh, how he wished they could just be done with it. This whole 'matchmaker' business was wearing him down. Zelda during one of her little quests was a weapon all its own. Forget the Tri-Force; Ganandorf should have just stuck him in a room with the Princess for a few days. See how fast he would have ruled Hyrule_ then_.

Grumbling to himself, he fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a Deku Nut, fighting to get it open, muttering, "I wish I was back in the forest. At least then I'd get some pea—"

"I'VE GOT IT!"

"—YAAAUGH!!" The Nut went flying as he leapt several feet in shock. Zelda's voice had come from _right beside his ear_. He hadn't even heard her move, but suddenly she was there, right next to his face and grinning at him in a way he didn't like. "Don't DO that!"

"Sorry." She certainly didn't look sorry. "But I've got it!"

"Got what?"

"The perfect plan!"

"…oh…" Frankly, he'd been hoping for something _else_, like, maybe, some common sense or something, because after this little adventure, he was certain she needed more.

There was a long pause. After a moment, Zelda huffed impatiently.

"Well? Aren't you going to ask?"

Link went back to cradling his head in his hands. "Not really."

She scowled at him. "I still have the tutu, Link."

"…what's your perfect plan, Princess?"

She beamed at him. "I thought you'd never ask!" She leaned back and threaded her fingers together, and Link wanted to cry. "It's perfect. You see, we've been taking the wrong approach!"

"…we have?"

"YES! After all of these attempts, there has been one fatal flaw that we have completely overlooked!"

Navi fluttered closer, catching on. "You're right! I see it now!"

"Yes! It's so simple! I can't believe we didn't think of it earlier!"

"You're brilliant, Princess!"

"I kno—"

"Excuse me!" Both faerie and Princess turned to look at him blankly. "What, exactly, are you talking about?"

A smile drifted onto Zelda's face. "You go and fetch Sheik for me, will you? Meet me at the library. You'll see then!"

And then she skipped off. Literally. With Navi trailing behind her. Link groaned.

Finding Sheik wasn't a problem, actually. The Sheikah's duties revolved solely around guarding the Temple of Time, and as such he had a very comfortable dwelling in the Castle. A dwelling that was completely off-limits to anyone who valued their life. As he stepped into the room, Link felt like he was stepping into a lion's den.

The room itself radiated comfort. It was covered in various trinkets, books, and clothes. Sporting a deep red color scheme, with candles burning slowly in the background, it felt spiritual. The clutter wasn't uncomfortable; it felt lived in. Which wasn't that surprisingly, considering the fact that Sheik spent nearly all of his free time in here.

Said Sheikah looked up at his entrance, and his single visible eye narrowed. "Link." He greeted, and although he didn't sound too bothered by the Hero's presence, Link could see him tense just a bit.

"Hi Sheik." At a loss for exactly how to handle things, he settled for simply waving.

Snapping the book he'd been flicking through closed with perhaps a bit more force than needed, Sheik stared at him. "It seems like I've been seeing you everywhere these fast few days."

Link chuckled weakly. "…yeah…"

A pause. Sheik eyed Link carefully, weighing his options. On the one hand, he could simply throw the younger boy out. That would solve whatever problem he was about to be stuck with. On the other hand, Zelda would probably kill him for it… "Did you need something, Link?"

"Uhh…" he fumbled. "Princess. Zelda. She needs you. For…Uhh… official Princess-y business?"

An eyebrow rose, but the Sheikah dutifully rose from his seated position. "Princess-y?"

"Uhhh… yeah?"

Zelda was already waiting by the library, one hand firmly gripping Malon's wrist to hold the girl in place, when they arrived. The farm girl looked mildly uncomfortable, but brightened up a bit at seeing Link. The Princess beamed happily. "Oh good! You brought him!"

Sheik eyed them all suspiciously, but said nothing. Link wanted to groan and go hide under a rock. He was positive the Sheikah was going to murder him for whatever was about to happen. Zelda pleasantly opened the door to the library. "There's something in here I need you two to look at. It's of great importance. The safety of Hyrule rests on it!"

Oh no.

"What…" Malon peered into the room carefully, before looking back. "What could be so important in a library?"

Losing her temper, the Princess threw her hands in the air in a sign of frustration. "I don't know! A book! Now,_ IN_!" And with that, the farm girl and Sheikah were both firmly pushed inside, both voicing protests. With startling speed, the Princess slammed the door shut, and then pressed her weight against it as the two prisoners both made for a quick escape. "Link! Hurry, lock it!"

The young Hero only gaped. After a moment, he found his voice. "_THIS WAS YOUR PLAN_?!"

The Princess cheerfully nodded at him. "Yep. I think it works, don't you?" Just then, Navi came fluttering by, a key in her grip, dropping it into Zelda's hand with a giggle. Locking the door, Zelda thanked her, before turning to Link again, ignoring the pounding on the door beside her. "You see, there was always one problem with all of our plans. We gave_ them_ a choice in the matter. Now, they don't! Isn't it wonderful?"

"Wond—NO! No, it's not wonderful! It's downright crazy!"

"Tutu, Link. Watch your temper."

He deflated quickly. The pounding on the door increased. Inside, he could hear Malon and Sheik shouting.

"Princess! Let us out! _NOW_!"

"NO! Not until you kiss and agree to court!"

A pause. For a moment, there was dead silence. Not a sound was made, and Link relished in the quiet. And then, very quietly, Sheik's voice floated from behind the door, "Is_ that_ what this is about?"

Zelda grinned. Link groaned. Navi answered. "Yes!"

There was silence again. This time, however, it was not as completely quiet as the last could be. Rustling and quiet whispers could be heard from the other side, and after a few moments of this, Malon's voice could be heard, "Princess, please open the door."

"No."

A sigh. "Alright then. You've left us with no choice."

There was quiet, a snapping sound, and then dark smoke billowed out from under the door. Link had a sinking feeling in his stomach. Peering at her two partners in crime, Zelda raised an eyebrow, before cautiously sliding the key into the lock and turning it. The door creaked open, and Zelda, Navi, and a curious Link peered inside.

The library was empty.

Distantly, from the other end of the castle, Impa's voice rose up in an angry shriek, "SHE DID _WHAT_?!!!"

Link felt his headache return full force while Zelda paled.

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_A/N: There we go. Longest chapter yet. Part 4, the final part, is all finished, just waiting to be posted. All_** you**_ have to do is review. See that pretty button? _**PRESS IT!** _It'll make me a happy author, and happy authors post chapters quicker._

**Silver the Shiny **– Thank you for the review, and the favorite!

**Spiritual Stone** – Thank you very much!

**TheFinalCountdown** – Of course she would. She's Zelda, right?

_Stay tuned for the next part! And don't forget,_**PLEASE REVIEW**!

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	4. Part 4

**The Matchmaker**

**Part 4

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_A/N: Happy New Year! To celebrate 2008, I have a the final chapter for you! And yes, finally, Malon and Sheik have their moment. I do feel bad for poor Link though. I'll make it up to him in the next story. Maybe. Prompt is "Secrets". Enjoy!_

**Disclaimer:** Nah, not mine. I tried though. I did try…

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"That's _it_! I GIVE UP!"

Three pairs of eyes watched as the Princess tossed her hands into the air in a sign of surrender, one of which nearly welled up in tears in relief, the other two blinking in mild confusion. Ignoring this, Zelda continued.

"I mean, come _on_! I've tried everything! Set ups, alone time, lock downs, HELL! I've even put a love potion in your drinks!"

"You did what?" That was Link. The Princess glared at him.

"You were sleeping. I was bored. But there was a mix up with the tea and now one of my maids and the head chef are married." Back to Sheik and Malon without missing a beat, "You two are the most uncooperative people on the face of Hyrule! So FINE! If you want to live the rests of your lives miserable and lonely, go ahead!_ I give up_!"

And with that, she stormed off, grumbling under her breath as she went, occasionally raising her voice up to a level that a few more colorful words could be heard. Navi huffed. "Well, it was fun while it lasted." And then she took off after the Princess.

Link watched her go with wide eyes, standing stock, his poor overworked mind trying desperately to wrap itself around this. It was over. Finally, it was _over_. He was _free_! FREEDOM! He couldn't believe it. Couldn't. Was it possible? Was it really? He was free? "F…free?"

After weeks of helping the Princess non-stop, through exhaustion both physical and mental, as well as the uncontrollable chatter of Navi, something happened that probably should have happened long ago. His brain broke.

It was then, at two forty eight in the afternoon on a Thursday that the great Hero of Time suffered a mental breakdown. He promptly placed his face in his hands and started laughing hysterically.

Standing nearby on the balcony, Malon and Sheik shared a concerned look. Malon spoke calmly, slowly, "Link…?"

She was interrupted when her Fairy Boy suddenly leapt up screaming at the top of his lungs like a mad man, ran in a circle for a few moments (in the process slamming into a nearby wall rather painfully) before taking off running down the hallway still laughing. She pulled back slowly and leaned a bit closer to Sheik. "I'm scared…"

The Sheikah patted her head comfortingly, mildly disturbed himself. "I'll be sure to send Navi out to collect him before he goes on a rampage." He assured. Malon nodded. There sat in silence, for a few moments, both reveling in the fact that finally they were alone. Sometimes, after all, the Princess's presence alone could be overbearing.

"I feel kind of bad, actually." She mumbled, looking up at him with an almost-pout. She was leaning against the rail of the balcony, while he was seated on it beside her. His mask was down, for once, revealing a round, handsome face. "I never thought the Princess would drag him into her schemes…"

Sheik shrugged noncommittally. "She's a rather devious one. We are talking about the girl that used to drive my aunt insane as a child because she kept sneaking out of the castle, remember?"

Malon giggled to herself. He had told her some of the old stores from when Zelda had been a child, and Impa had run herself to the point of exhaustion trying to contain her. "I suppose so… Still…" She frowned. "It is kind of our fault. I still think we should tell Link."

He shrugged again. "Maybe. I rather prefer the secrecy." Outside, the sound of a bell ringing could be heard. Three o'clock. He sighed. "I have to go. The Temple's waiting."

She nodded. "And I'll be lucky if Papa hasn't burned down ranch, with me being gone so long…" She straightened as he slid off of his seat. He caught her arm, and in a single fluid motion turned her around and pressed his lips against hers. It was sweet, chaste, and strong enough to make her knees go weak. She sighed into it, quite content, and pouted when he pulled away again, just to look down at her with half-open eyes.

She flushed against her will and smiled at him. "See you again next week?"

He nodded, "Always."

And then she scurried away, heart racing in a way that was far too accustomed to. As she hurried past the door, she thought to herself, almost smugly, _secrets, secrets, secrets. Maybe we should keep it for just a little longer._

She chuckled quietly.

_After all, we've kept it that way for almost a year. What's a few more weeks going to hurt?

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_A/N: Well, it's been fun you guys! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. To all those I've converted: good for you! Stay tuned for my next ficlet featuring Malon and Sheik, called _Thief_. It should be out sometime within the next month. _

**Sakurelle** – Glad you liked it!

**Silver the Shiny** – Oh yes, yes she is. Zelda should know better than to lock people in libraries. Teehee…

**TheAngelofShadows** – Aw, I can't help it. Link is just too much fun to torture. And Zelda's a great way of doing it…

**Hoheehum** – Yeah, Ruto is a really underrated character. I actually found her very entertaining in the game. Maybe in a future ficlet I'll show her some love… And yes, Link is slightly slow, but really, what do you expect after being stuck with crazy!Zelda for so long? And a cookie for you, for figuring out how it ends XD

**Faeore24EarthTwilightGuardian** – The tutu will likely become a running gag in my stories after this. And I shall call it! The Tutu of DOOOOOM!

_Thanks for sticking with the fic you guys. Hope to see you next time! Bai Bai!_

_-Jass

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